For rebellionbuilt

[talentedscavenger]

War wasn't kind, it wasn't nice, and didn't care if you lived or died. War consumed time and bodies as nourishment to keep growing. Didn't matter if someone was fighting for good, to stop an Empire from seizing all of the galaxy, or not. Nothing was ever guaranteed in war, except a high amount of causalities. Finding romance, or kinship was never part of Rey's plan when she joined the Rebellion.

She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to provide aide and not stand by while the Empire continued to terrorize innocent people across the galaxy. The propaganda they put out was mind numbing and Rey wanted nothing to do with it. The orphan from Jakku left the only planet she had ever known to fight...and some how, between the missions, fixing ships, and facing danger at nearly every turn, she had found companionship with one of the best spies in the Rebellion. Captain Cassian Andor.

Nothing had been the same since she drunkenly confessed to him, giving him a kiss, and hoping he returned the same feelings. If they weren't, she would've let go of him and buried herself in work. But, he had feelings for her. It took hard work, but they made it work. They endured long separations, spats, and face death countless times, but they came out of it together. They had each other, and that's all that mattered to them. As long as they focused on their future, of ending a war, they could have a family. They could....be normal people, or figure out how to live a life away from war.

They had gone to bed together, in Cassian's quarters, both dead tired from their last mission. She wanted sleep. She wanted a dreamless sleep that would allow her to rest. Instead, she had feverish dreams of a weapon the size of the moon, of glowing swords, a man in black armor, and...a tiny baby being held by her and Cassian. Joy and sorrow on their faces as they cradled the infant. There were explosions, and the taste of sulfur in the air. All of it was in a blur that prompted Rey to sit up and crawl out of bed to empty her stomach in the 'Fresher.

Beads of sweat clung to her forehead, and her back was slick. Her mind was racing. There had been speculation that she could be...Force sensitive? Was that what Chirrut had said? Havng visions, or being so in tune with something...she didn't know. But what she saw...the death, and that weapon...and a child. Did it mean...she was pregnant? If any of it was true, and she was... it made her both elated and petrified at the same time.

Fuck, if she told Cassian, he'd think she was crazy. But could she even tell him?

Comments

one million years later ...

[rebellionbuilt]

Cassian was a logical, pragmatic man. That part of him had come to terms long ago that the odds were that he was going to die far before the war actually ended - if it ever did. As such, he formed partnerships, not attachments. What good would they do if they would only be broken in the end?

Slowly, some of those walls began coming down, and Cassian started letting people in more until he'd gathered a sort of family all his own. It hurt knowing that he could lose them at any time, but at least he no longer felt quite so alone in the universe.

And then Rey came into his life and those walls crumbled down completely, one stone at a time. He had never cared for anyone as much as her, never thought it possible to give himself over to someone so completely and thoroughly, but stars, he loved her. Cassian couldn't promise that he would return from his missions, but for the first time in years, he wasn't so careless with his safety and did everything in his power to return to her as unscathed as possible - even though he couldn't guarantee that either.

For the first time in his life, Cassian began thinking about a life after. A life spent far, far away from the turmoil currently wreaking havoc on the galaxy as a whole. A lifetime with Rey ... perhaps with a family all their own.

It was a more terrifying prospect than Cassian had ever faced before, but he was certain that if it was at all possible for them, he wanted to take the chance.

The last mission had taken a toll on all of them, and when he fell into a dreamless sleep, his arms curled around Rey, keeping her held tight, he thought that it would take a natural disaster to wake him.

Turns out, all it really took was the vague feeling of her sitting up quickly before hurrying into the 'fresher. Torn from sleep and instantly worried, Cassian followed, knocking gently on the door as he blinked his sleep-heavy eyes rapidly in an attempt to wake up.

"Rey - ?", he asked, his voice soft but concerned. "You alright?"

ohai there

[talentedscavenger]

The taste of bile and acid was on her tongue, making her stomach churn. Rey's mind was racing, and she was trying her best to not break down. Running from the Empire, dodging fire, and explosions didn't make her this scared, but a vision and a child did. Could she take a test and hide it from Cassian--from their friends and everyone else? Shit, could she actually sneak off with a med droid and take a test, then wipe its memory after the test was done?

She could, but timing was everything--

The knock on the door grounded her, brought her back to the present. She hadn't mean to wake Cassian, and while she wanted to tell him to go back to bed, she knew he wouldn't. Maybe she should ask him to not go back to work...both of them tended to be workaholics...

"I..." Rey began, taking in a deep breath to recenter herself. Fuck, what could she say?

"I think I'm feeling better..." she called back, but no sooner had those words left her lips that she felt a violent surge in her stomach, causing her to throw up again. She coughed, and tried to block out the uncomfortable feeling and acid taste. After thoroughly emptying the contents of her stomach, she finally got up to rinse her mouth, and wash her face.

She had to brace herself by the sink, knees feeling weak and chest heavy.

".....you can come in."

[rebellionbuilt]

Despite her assurance otherwise, Rey didn't sound fine. Cassian combed through the last days mentally in an attempt to figure out what could've had such an effect. They had eaten the same food, so it couldn't be food poisoning. An allergy, maybe?

They'd been tested for the most common and the results had come back negative.

Cassian's frown only just deepened as even from behind the door, he could hear her get sick again. How many times had she done so before he'd registered what was going on? He wondered if he should comm for medbay, but eventually decided against it, at least until he could see Rey for himself and gauge what was wreaking havoc on her.

He drummed his fingers on the door until she gave him permission to enter - which he did, swiftly making his way to her side, a reassuring palm against her elbow, the other gentle against her forehead, feeling for fever. "Hey, I've got you. What's going on?"

[talentedscavenger]

Rey nearly sank into Cassian, knowing he was holding her up slightly. She wanted to turn around and hold him, press her face into the crook of his neck and pretend everything was fine. She wanted to so badly pretend things were fine, and she wasn't having some sort of anxiety induced stress caused by a nightmare--or a vision?

His hand pressed against her forehead, checking for a fever. While she felt warm, it wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Hey..." Rey softly replied, trying, and failing to gather her thoughts. Her mouth felt dry, as did her tongue, but the thought of water made her stomach churn.

"I had a nightmare...but it felt much more real than that, and..." fuck, could she come clean and say she thought she was pregnant, or would that give Cassian a heart attack?

"And I think my stomach just got the best of me."

[rebellionbuilt]

If he could give her any sense of stability, he would, and it wasn't lost on him that she was leaning against him as though her knees were threatening to go weak on her. His frown only deepened as he felt the clamminess of her forehead and noted that although she was a little warm, it was not a fever that was making its way through her system.

His eyes darted to meet hers as she spoke, and again, he mentally noted the rawness in her voice, most likely from being physically ill. She had had nightmares before - they both did, so that was not an uncommon occurrence, but those nightmares had never left her in such a state before.

He was worried.

"I'm here, and you're going to be just fine", he reassured, allowing his lips to curl up just so, just the hint of a smile, even if he wasn't yet convinced of that fact. "Do you think you might need to visit medbay?"

[talentedscavenger]

Nightmares were no strangers to them. It came as a price of war. Memories of ships exploding, echoes of the cries of fallen comrades, and the thundering sound of explosives going off. Split second decisions that could save their lives, or end them. They carried those battles with them, and knew no peace even in sleep. Sometimes, those memories felt all too real until those final moments jolt either of them awake.

But this...if this was truly a vision, then that was taking things to a whole new level.

They couldn't bring a new life with the war happening...could they? Could both of them handle it? Were they ready to be parents? Fuck, they briefly talked about it, but she didn't know if they still felt that way. Rey took a deep breath, trying to calm the swarm of questions buzzing around in her mind.

"No...I don't want to go to medbay," she answered, trying and failing to muster a weak smile.

"I think I know what's wrong, but..." Rey chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't want to say what it is until it's confirmed. I don't...I don't want us to worry if I'm wrong."

[rebellionbuilt]

Cassian slept better when Rey was by his side. But that didn't mean that from time to time, he wasn't inundated with mental images he'd rather forget - the things he'd seen, the things he'd done, the people he'd hurt with his words, with his own two hands, with the rifle that he'd become so proficient with over his years of doing whatever was necessary for the cause.

But this - this wasn't that. Rey was clearly in physical distress.

And Cassian felt so helpless when all he could do was help hold her steady, his eyes darting back and forth as he desperately attempted to figure out what could be wrong, but never quite settling on the right answer.

Until …

Rey said that, and his gaze drifted to her midriff, his heart stopping cold in his chest. Becoming parents now would not be … ideal. But Cassian didn't know if he had it in him to suggest that they not …

"Rey - ", he started, his voice hoarse, his words halting. "Are you saying that you think you might be … ?"

[talentedscavenger]

Becoming parents right now would be far less than ideal. It would be catastrophic. Rey wouldn't be useful on missions--she would have to be sidelined while fearing for the worst for Cassian. Her stress would be at an all time high. Could they raise a child right now? What would happen to their child if they died in combat? Becoming an orphan was something Rey would never want to put another through.

Part of her wanted to lie to Cassian, or at least omit the truth until she was certain she was pregnant or not. However, she couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't deceive him like that, and he was too smart for it. He was already asking the question when another man might've overlooked the subtle hint she gave.

"I might be.." she finally said, trying to keep her heart from leaping out of her throat.

"But, I could also might not be. It's...it could be either or." Or too soon to tell, her mind supplies which only makes her stomach churn in an uncomfortable fashion. Rey's grip on Cassian tightened, fighting the urge to throw up again. Damnit, she wanted to be in control of her body. She would not let this rule her.

"I don't want to alarm anyone, or stress you out. I can...I'll figure something out." Because her mind was going back into survival mode where it was only herself she could depend on. She didn't want to draw Cassian through this, not if she could help it.

[rebellionbuilt]

Catastrophic.

Cassian couldn't even begin to imagine the turmoil that Rey was going through, and he himself was hiding a mess of emotions behind a calm demeanor. She knew him better than that, though. She had to know that he was feeling the same stress and worry, that he was cycling through all the choices she could make, wondering which one was the right one.

This was war, and war waited for nobody. War wouldn't be kind to him, to her, to their child. War could take them at any moment and never look back. And the last thing he wanted was to leave a child without a family in the same way that his was stolen from him and Rey's was taken from her. He couldn't stomach the thought.

But - his thoughts would have to wait. Rey needed him right now, even though he could see that she was trying to downplay the situation, or - or push him away so that she could deal with it herself. Thing was, though, that she didn't have to.

"Don't do that - ", he quietly implored, his expression open, concerned. "It could be a stomach bug. Or - something you ate might not be agreeing with you. I think the best thing to do is to go get checked out, and then …

At least then we'll know what's going on. We can make decisions and plans once we know. Okay?"

[talentedscavenger]

"Don't do that-"

Don't push him away. Don't think she had to do this on her own. She wasn't alone, even though that had been the case for most of her life. Rey had someone in her life who gave a damn. Who loved her, and who she loved in return. Yet, she couldn't help but go back to what was familiar and what she was so used to. Her mind trying to figure out what was the best course and how she needed to handle it....but this was more than her. This was about them.

But, shit. Could they really be pregnant right now? Breathe, that's what she had to do. Breathe, and don't push him away.

Rey nodded her head at Cassian, her stomach lurching forward, forcing her to swallow the bile rising in her throat.

"Okay....okay I'll get checked out." He was right. She needed to get looked at by a Med droid, see what was going on with her. That was the best option for them, but it didn't stop her mind was reeling. It didn't stop her thoughts from going anywhere and everywhere.

They managed to leave Cassian's room, trying to get down to Medbay as quietly as they could--or at least arouse as little suspicion as possible. The next few minutes were a blur for her. Managing to find a droid and having her blood drawn. In a matter of seconds, the test confirmed what she had feared.

They were pregnant.

Shit--and the med droid knew, and in hindsight, maybe they should've had K2 complete the task in some way because now they had it on a record that she was carrying a new life.

"...What do we do?"

[rebellionbuilt]

Rey didn't have to go through this alone. She didn't have to go through anything alone anymore - although Cassian understood all too well just how easy it was to slip back into old habits when stress was so high. His throat tightened as he realized that he was wondering if Rey's clear worry was a detriment to the baby, already concerned about their welfare without even knowing for a fact whether or not she truly was expecting.

He knew he couldn't get caught up in the what ifs of the situation. He needed to be wholly present for Rey. Later, once their suspicions were either confirmed or denied, Cassian could afford (maybe) to sit and contemplate on thoughts he'd buried long, long ago.

Cassian helped Rey down hallways that were blessedly clear of any other personnel, even though he knew that on a base this size, the action never really ceased. He sat with her and held her hand as the droid methodically drew her blood and ran the necessary tests, hoping that his presence helped to calm some of her worries, or helped reassure her that whatever the result, they were in it together.

The droid dispassionately confirmed Rey's pregnancy and Cassian's vision went black for a long moment. He didn't know what to say, much less how to feel, and so, he felt trapped between elation and terror, unsure as to which answer would be the right one.

He knew exactly what the droid would suggest, and fixed it with a warning glance that sent it skittering in another direction entirely. When he looked back to Rey, it was with an expression that was much softer, although still concerned. "That's a discussion better had in private, don't you think?"

Maybe the walk back to his quarters would help clear his mind a little, give him some idea of how he was feeling, what he wanted, what would be the right decision for them.

[talentedscavenger]

It felt like time had slowed down to the counting of breaths, and heartbeats. People in love would be thrilled by the news. They would be overjoyed, and excited for this new chapter of their life. But, life was not kind. They were in the middle of a war, and every soldier was needed. A child would complicate things, be used against them--but it was proof that there was some light, hope in this galaxy. Another reason to keep fighting.

Rey wasn't sure how Cassian felt. He was hard to read, withdrawn and she didn't know what they would do. Hence the question...it wasn't just her decision, but theirs.

Thankfully, the droid said nothing in part due to the look Cassian gave it. The expression on his face was one she could read, could ground herself with. She gave a slow nod, wanting to reach out for his hand, to lean against him and seek out comfort, but they had to walk back to his room. They could run into someone they knew, who would see how clingy Rey was and start speculating what was happening. Neither of them could afford rumors flying about until they knew what they wanted to do.

"Yes," she murmured, standing back up on her two feet, walking back with Cassian, trying to keep a stoic face and tight lid on her emotions. The walk back to his quarters was made in silence, with Rey focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Her heart was pounding so loud in her chest, she hoped no one else could hear it.

Once they were back in his room, she didn't know what to say or even how to dissect the question she raised earlier.

[rebellionbuilt]

Some part of him was thrilled to find out that he and Rey were expecting a new little life, but the more pragmatic parts of him wouldn't let him hold onto that feeling for very long. He already knew how easy it would be for the wrong people to use any perceived weakness against Cassian, against Rey - and some people weren't above considering an innocent child leverage ... or even worse, collateral damage.

Not only that, but he couldn't help the ever-present thought that he, of all people in the universe, didn't deserve to have anything good. Not after the lies that he'd told, the things that he'd done, the people that he'd hurt, unintentionally and otherwise.

But if he was good at anything, it was compartmentalizing his feelings in order to focus on the task at hand - and that, for now, was escorting Rey back to his quarters so that they could process what they had just learned. They could talk, but he wasn't sure he was ready for any questions asked of him.

A baby.

His head was spinning. Perhaps it made him seem unaffected, but he was anything but. the last thing he wanted was to run into anyone in the halls and alert them to the fact that something was - well, not necessarily wrong, but something out of the ordinary was occurring. Thankfully, the few people that passed paid them no mind. It was only when they were safely within the privacy of Cassian's quarters that he felt like he could breathe again.

Once the door slid closed, he turned to face Rey, his expression questioning, worried. After a long moment, he breached the distance between them, reaching to lace their fingers together, squeezing gently, as reassuringly as he could.

Far from 'what are we going to do', the first question that left his lips was -

"How do you feel?"

[talentedscavenger]

The idea of bringing a new life into this world was something other women might be excited about if war didn't impact them. If they didn't have nightmares crawling into their minds as they slept. Some women may even dream about the day they started a family. For Rey, it was never in her mind. It was a fact she could, one day, carry a child, but it was disconnected from the rest of her mind. The idea was there, but she never thought it would come to fruition.

Now there was a life growing inside of her. A part of her, a part of Cassian.

They had briefly talked about what they would do, if they survived. How they would have to adjust to a life where they weren't fighting. How odd that would be, but it would be a life they should share together. Maybe there was the discussion of a child, or children one day, but it didn't come to the forefront of her mind.

Once they were inside Cassian's cabin, she found herself leaning against the wall trying to steady her breathing and calm her heart. Her mind was running with what she believed she needed to do, and she had to force herself to take small pauses. To think of Cassian's name, his face, to break that habit. She wasn't alone. He was there. He asked her to not push him away.

His hand reached out to hers and she took it without hesitation. Her fingers lacing with his before pulling him into an embrace, needing comfort. Needing to hold him to help ground herself.

"I don't know..." she began, her voice wavering, emotions running high. "I don't know if I should be happy? But this...we didn't want this? And I don't know if you want to be a father--and I don't know how to be a mother." Stars, she barely remembered her own.

"We're at war, Cassian. We're at war and we can't...we shouldn't have a child, right?"